Working
Apr 12, 2004 - 19:47:27
Because I'm a dreamer waiting to happen.
Gather around the camp fire my children, for today you get the tale of the haunted castle, loosely based upon my real life and the happenings in my humble abode. It all started a few days ago, or maybe the sleep deprivation just let my mind open to the possibility of something more extraordinary than creaking boards and a settling foundation.

I live in an old house.. the walls have memories much older than me, older than my parents.. most people would say they'd like to be able to talk to the walls and hear the stories of yesteryear, that is, of course, until the walls actually start talking back.

It was three nights ago. The moon was halved and peaked out curiously from behind the clouds. I remember this distinctly because I chased it home from work that humid spring night. The details of that night fade into the mundane twists and turns of life with no mental marker to remember them by. I don't recall anything different till much later that night as I decided to try to retire to my bedroom. Suddenly, a weird noise came from outside my door and something pushed on the front door to the full extent possible of a locked door. A whistle through the trees outside calmed my quickening heart beat but I was most certainly awake at this point and my mental marker for memory was set. I looked out the window to make sure, I thought I heard something BEFORE the door tightened on it's hinge. My porch light was not very bright at all and was far removed from where I could see from the vantage point I'd acquired on the window ledge. The moon I had followed home had left me, the cover of night was completed by the clouds. If anything was out there, it was hidden for now. The trash blew quickly through the streets, at least thats what I told myself. Now I'm not really certain of that either.

The adrenaline rushing through my veins had made sleep a fleeting hope and my senses were keen in the dark and silent house. The wind howled again outside, the door didn't budge in the slightest this time. Images of monsters and ghosts went through my head as I got ready for bed, and a shiver went through my entire body.. I could hear every creak, every branch scratching the outside of the house and even a few things I still can't place. I was scared! So I decided a relaxing shower might calm my nerves. I debated for a while, should I keep the door open or shut it. In my wisdom I decided to keep the door open and turn on the computer mp3 player up so I could ignore any further sounds which were probably just my over active imagination at work again. I was right, the shower was relaxing. I started washing my face and just when the soap covered my eyes and I couldn't see.. I heard my bedroom door slam. There was someone or something in the house!! I washed the soap out of my eyes and looked only seconds later into the hall from behind my shower curtain.. I could only hear the music at first over the shower.. I rinsed off a little more.. turned the water off. I could hear the rain outside now.. and the steps to downstairs were creaking as they did when I had walked them a few minutes earlier. I grabbed my towel and dried myself off completely and slowly got dressed as I peered out into the dark hallway. Trying to convince myself I didn't hear anything, I hung the towel up and walked out into the hall. My bedroom door was still open, as were all the doors upstairs. Suddenly louder than the first time I heard a door SLAM. I jumped back, then realizing it had just been instant messenger being loud because I turned the music on I laughed and went to bed. The end.

:)
Okay
Apr 12, 2004 - 02:24:56
Till human voices wake us... and we drown.
I'm watching this movie, it's very weird. The name of the movie is the last line of the poem in one of the previous entry. It draws parallels between the life of a suicidal stranger and a young girl who drown years ago. Who knows at this point, maybe she is the child, lost not drown, as a woman. It's 1:30am, I may never know for sure. :)

I lied, in the writing of this journal entry I have finished watching the show. As it turns out, it's appearently only for artistic value and the plot is as deep as most porn movies. On some levels it's dealing with love and loss and how the kid is coping with everything as an adult and letting it go. Everything is symbolism and abstracted from reality. There is no line between real and imagined in this movie, which it really needed.

Side note, the girl is the same girl from fight club.

I'm going to give the poem an A+ and the movie a C. That makes for poor journal entry material but it was related to a previous post so I figured I was obligated to write about it. Maybe soon I'll write about why I haven't been able to sleep for the last two weeks.. or maybe about how I think my house could possibly be haunted!! :) heheh I got spooked a little tonight.

G'night
Amused
Apr 10, 2004 - 04:02:09
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Happy Easter



Thoughtful
Feb 05, 2004 - 01:33:43
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
T.S. Eliot (1888–1965).  Prufrock and Other Observations.  1917.
 
  1. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

 
        S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
 
 
LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
 
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
 
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
 
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
 
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
 
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
 
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
  So how should I presume?
 
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
  And how should I presume?
 
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
  And should I then presume?
  And how should I begin?
      .      .      .      .      .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
 
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
      .      .      .      .      .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
 
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
  Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
  That is not it, at all.”
 
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
  “That is not it at all,
  That is not what I meant, at all.”
      .      .      .      .      .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
 
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
 
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
 
I do not think that they will sing to me.
 
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
 
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
 
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